I wouldn't call what the woman did "assault." Maybe one of the reasons these damned teenagers are running around vandalizing monuments and terrorizing the neighborhood is because there haven't been enough people in their lives doing to them what this woman did. Where are the fathers of these boys and why haven't those fathers given them a few well-deserved kicks in the backside?

__________________
A panda walks into a cafe. He orders a sandwich, eats it, then draws a gun and fires two shots in the air.

"Why?" asks the confused waiter, as the panda makes toward the exit. The panda produces a badly punctuated wildlife manual and tosses it over his shoulder.

"I'm a panda," he says at the door. "Look it up."

The waiter turns to the relevant entry and, sure enough, finds an explanation.

"Panda. Large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves."